Bonding with foster children

If you’re considering fostering or you’ve recently started – a common worry for carers is about how they’re going to bond with a foster child or young person that comes into their care. With the help from our fostering community, we’ve put together some top tips and advice to help you get the best out of your time together, so you’re able to form positive relationships and make a lasting difference – so you all flourish.

Lay the groundwork

Try to find out as much as possible about your foster child or young person before they arrive and ask whether there is anything you could prepare beforehand. Some carers follow a phased approach before arrival. For example, going to see them at their current home having dinner out with them or letting them bring a few of their belongings over to your house before they move in. Small gestures really matter too. Putting a name plate on their bedroom door and cooking their favourite meal for when they arrive, could really make them feel at home.

The first few days of a placement can be difficult, so finding out what your foster child likes to eat and what they’re interested in can really help them feel welcome and understood.

Build trust

This is unlikely to happen overnight, so try not to take any rejection or initial coolness personally. Instead, try see it from the child’s or young person’s perspective. Letting them make decisions about day-to-day things will show you have respect for what they have to say. Trusting them to do things on their own, such as giving them money to go to the shops, can really help them build their confidence in you too.

Giving children and young people a say in things is really important. I give them two choices, so they're not overwhelmed and don’t feel too pressurised. This makes them feel like they're heard and valued.

Make time

Spending quality one-to-one time with one another, simple activities such as watching a film or cooking together is a great way to connect. If you’re fostering a baby, in the first few weeks you might want to get to know your baby in a quiet environment so they can focus on you, your voice, your face and how it feels to be with you. Baby massage can help your baby relax, and help you develop confidence in connecting with them.  If you’re struggling to help your foster child understand and manage their emotions and behaviours, your social worker and/or fostering team are always on hand. To prepare, you could also start by giving the book ‘My Hidden Chimp’ by Steven Peters (Studio Press) a read.

You don’t have to try to be mum or dad, or their friend. Think of yourselves as both being part of a team.

Communication is key

Praise your foster child for their positive behaviour by rewarding them for it. This will boost their confidence and self-esteem. Positive words and actions will let your foster child feel welcome and safe in your home. The words you use can have a real impact, so using inclusive language that refers to shared situations or things, such as 'their' home with 'our' things will make them feel like they belong.

Communication doesn’t always have to be verbal. I put a white board in of my foster child’s bedroom so I could write messages on, such as ‘You’ve been brilliant today – thank you’ and for them to express themselves too.

Have fun and be creative!

Whether it’s sharing a hobby, exercising or playing games together – make sure you’re having fun along the way. It might also make it easier for a child or young person you’re fostering to talk to you when they’re more relaxed, doing something they enjoy. For babies, play really matters. Not only is it enjoyable, its necessary for development. Copying facial expressions, tickle games and ‘peekaboo’ are just a few examples of how you can have fun with babies. For younger children who have just arrived, you could get arty by getting them to create a handprint canvas. Put it up with your other photos and this will make them feel part of the family.

Remember, your idea of fun might be very different to what your foster child enjoys, so you’ve got to find their fun first for this to work.

Be realistic

There’s no hard-and-fast-rule as the bonding process will be different for every child. Children and young people are unique, with their own personal history and range of experiences. If your child has moved between lots of different homes with different foster carers and families, they might find it harder to form a bond with you – as they might feel they will just be moving on again. So don’t expect things to happen overnight. A child will only start to bond with you when they feel safe and secure, and this can take time. If your placement is short, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere because time is limited. You will be making a difference, however small that might be.

Keep the process organic and take things slowly. Prepare to change the way you do things regularly and remove any notion of something being a certain way.

Put structure in place

Rules, routines and boundaries can help babies, children and young people in your care feel more safe and secure, as they know what to expect. The trick is sticking to them! Try to understand the routines children and young people might have had previously and adapt these to fit around your day-to-day. For younger children a schedule might help, where you both agree meal and bedtimes. Babies will also benefit from keeping routines consistent and might help you find ways of soothing and comforting them when they’re distressed.

House rules work really well. By agreeing a simple ‘contract’ together you’ll make your child feel like they’re part of the decision-making process. For example, I’ll agree to cook dinner every night, if you can set the table.

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